Funny Aviation Stories

I'm a retired corporate pilot..... I've got about 6800 hours, and six type ratings (A-320, B737, IA-Jet, N-265, LR-jet, and L-1329).... I've also been a 14 CFR 135 Director of Operations and Chief Pilot. I've also been a 135 instructor pilot. These are some of the things I've had happen during my career that I couldn't talk about while I was active, but that's no longer the case.

First just a few terms...

Part 121 - the Airlines (an Air Carrier)

Part 135 - Corporate Jets in the Charter business where you can fly passengers for hire. (also an Air Carrier)

Part 91 - Individually owned and operated corporate jets, IBM, American Express etc. They can fly company personnel and guests, but not for hire. A lot less paperwork and procedures than the previous two. The differential is that when you get on your friends jet and crash...everybody goes "well everybody knew your friend was a jerk, tough luck". On an Air Carrier there's a presumption that you, as the passenger know nothing about the pilots or the airplane and your counting on the regulatory authorities for your safe passage. It's like getting in a taxi cab, there's a presumption of training, maintenance, insurance etc.

PIC - Pilot in Command or the captain

SIC - Second in Command or the co-pilot

D.O. - Director of Operations - A FAA approved management position, requires at least 3 years of 135 or 121 PIC experience but no medical qualification.

C.P. - Chief Pilot - Same as above, but requires a 1st Class medical. That's the medical required to be a PIC for the airlines (121), or a 135 (charter) PIC.

FBO - Fixed Base Operation - the place where corporate jets go, as opposed to the airline terminal.

QT - A quick turn, typically where your just stopping for gas. I think my best QT was about 18 minutes in Gander.

Just a note on what a Type Rating means-

When aircraft go above 12,500 lbs, you need to be rated in the particular type of aircraft. So if your a B-747 pilot for United, the PIC (captain) needs to be rated in a B-747. The SIC (copilot) does not need to be rated, they can have a Commercial, Multi-engine, and Instrument rating and serve as the SIC. Additionally, if your flying for an Air Carrier, even though you have the FAA license....you can not go from United, to lets say Delta and be a PIC for Delta. Because your an Air Carrier (121 or 135) you have to go through the company specific training. There's different procedures, paperwork, and company rules that you must be trained on.

I was the SIC on a 135 Lockheed JetStar based at Teterboro. We had a pop-up trip from TEB to MMMY (Monteray Mexico). I was in the right seat at TEB attempting to get my clearance to MMMY. I was trying on 128.05 the TEB clearance delivery. It was early AM and I didn't know TEB clearance was closed. I also didn't know that I had the microphone button selected to 121.9....TEB ground frequency.....I didn't know that was also closed.....so the transmission went something like this...........

"clearance 27RC looking for an IFR to MMMY".....

I hear a scratchy transmission....."what airport?"

I said "Mike..Mike...Mike..Yankee....Monteray Mexico"

Again ....." What Airport?!!!!!"

So I say (louder) .."Mike..Mike...Mike...Yankee ....Monteray Mexico"

Again......and even louder....."WHAT AIRPORT!!!?"

So I go one more time "MIKE....MIKE.....MIKE....YANKEE"

Finally the next transmision comes through a little better.

"27RC....This is Kennedy Ground.....WHAT AIRPORT ARE YOU AT ?????????????"

I think I came back with a sheepish "Disregard"

Early morning the transmission went about 15 miles.

I was a young 1000 hour 135 SIC on a Lear 25...based out of Teterboro. We were headed to Denver for an overnight and planned to go to Aspen the next day. Our passenger was supposed to meet somebody a DEN....overnight and then Aspen the next day. After our quick turn in Grand Island and on the way to DEN... we realized that we may be early enough to pick up in DEN and make Aspen that same night before the sunset curfew. So we got the airline information for the passenger pickup at DEN....called the FBO to see if they could grab the PAX at the terminal..and be ready for a QT (quick turn) at the FBO....The FBO said "yes" and we thought we had it all in the bag. So were redlineing to DEN....and then "419GL ....holding instructions when ready".....crap... "419GL hold at SMITY...10 mile legs...and standard turns"....Well I was a busy copilot then....I'm pouring through the maps looking for SMITY.... I was at about 5 o'clock and 50 miles... so we slow down and start making the turn.....The Captain said "where is it?".....I said "I got it...its on this radial at whatever DME (Distance Measuring Equipment)....".... "OK he said..."Left or Right turns"..... I said "thats the only part I don't know...he said "standard turns"..."I don't remember which one is which... I was counting on you for that.." He said "well crap I haven't held in 10 years....ask the guy if he wants Left or Right turns".... So I transmit..."Denver did you want Left or Right turns for 419GL..?" .... He comes back with "419GL that was standard turns".....Shit that's no help. So the Captain says "there's an AIM (Airman's Information Manual) under the seat take a look".....Lear Jet seats are pretty tight and I'm 6'4"....after a bunch of squirming I come up with the AIM.... I'm paging through the whole thing looking for Holding..... I finally find it under ATC...... We're getting close to the fix and he says "what have you found?" And I'm like "it doesn't say...all is says is "left turns are non-standard...all other turns are standard"...... He says "look we've got to come up with something...the first turn is free....after that they'll figure out if you F'd up.".... and I was like... "Well...if left is non standard then I guess our only choice is right"..... So I guess we got lucky....entered the hold and nobody said anything....lol.

Rush Limbaugh............

This one's a little lenghty....but its definately worth the read.

I was a 135 SIC on a JetStar at Teterboro....this is 1994. I wasn't the most naturally talented pilot...but I was good with the manuals, the paperwork and the keeping the operation clean. So I got hired as an SIC because of this....It took me a good bit of time to get the empty leg experience to enhance my flying skills. So the Chief Pilot...an ex-German Luftwaffe pilot had his daughter typing the manuals and doing the updates etc. I volunteered to take over some of those duties since I was reasonably proficient with computers, word processing (back in the days of Corel) etc.

So in early 1993 there was a USair accident at LGA...about 10 people got killed including the Captain. They had de-iced....but had about an hour delay...just after rotation the left wing quit flying...they went upside down and into the drink. What came out of the investigation was that there was no training in the manuals about deice fluid types...holdover times (how long the deice is good for in the type and intensity of precipitation) etc. So congress got into the FAA's stuff...and came up with "all air-carriers will have deice training in their manuals by the next winter season November 1, 1993"....I told the Chief Pilot in the fall of 93...."this applies to us....we are an Air Carrier (135)"....He said "no that's only for the Airlines (121)" I was the junior man and politely tried to do a bit of educating,but to no avail. As Nov 1 approached the FAA went back to Congress and said "we can't get all Air Carriers in compliance by Nov1". Congress said "OK...all 121's by Nov. 1...everybody else gets a 90 day extension". So Nov 1 came and went...and the Chief Pilot sort of said "see...its only the Airlines"... I didn't say much. So the broker for Rush called us up in January 1994....He said "Rush has used another JetStar, but theirs is unavailable....he'd like to try yours" We said OK, and booked a trip to PBI for that weekend. We came back, the broker called us and booked the next 3 or 4 weekends. Well the 1993-4 winter in NY had like 17 storms...there was 10 inches of snow every 6 days. So the 90 day extension was approaching... I don't remember if it was Feb 1 or 4....but I knew it was coming up... about January 22 the Chief Pilot called me up and said "you were right..the FAA just called and said you need to update your manual to operate in ground icing conditions...our regular POI (Principle Operations Inspector) was on leave, and the temporary guy said "come on over and I'll give you the 3 pages you need to put in your manual and sign you off"....Well the Chief Pilot was a little intimidated by this and wanted to wait till our regular POI came back from leave. Well, we had already booked a trip for Rush for the following weekend. Our normal Rush procedure was to reposition from Atlantic Aviation where we had hangar space to the brokers preferred facility Million Air. Well that Friday (the very first day we became unqualified because of paperwork) came...and it was snowing like a banshee..... the Chief Pilot called me up Friday morning and said...."what should I do..cancel the trip?" I said "Wixxx, I'm the copilot...in theory I don't know about any of this....you can tell me we're all set and what do I know.... I said "I'm going to show up with my tie at the airport and we can make the call there..." He said "OK". I also said "I'll go in next week and do the paperwork for the FAA... So we'll only be out of compliance for 6 days or so." Everybody has to kick a small one under the carpet once in a while. We were going to deice just like always and not do anything unsafe.....we just didn't have the paperwork that authorized the operation. So I got to TEB and there was about 10 inches on the ground....and they were plowing away on the runways. Rush was on from 12-3 and he would hit the airport at 4-4:30.... The FAA went home at noon....the banks closed etc. I told the Chief Pilot..."look if we have to position down to Millionair and hour early we are going to get buried and won't make the trip. Why don't you call up the broker and suggest just coming to Atlantic Aviation for a one-time departure..... we can fuel up...put the airplane back in the hangar, when Rush arrives he can drive the limo right into the hangar, once he gets on we'll open the hangar doors, get towed outside, in a warm airplane, we'll get a shot of preventative de-ice since the wings are already clean and warm, taxi out and go. So the Chief Pilot called the broker...he said "let me call Rush"...we had the show on the radio...after the next break the broker called back and said the plan was on. So Rush showed up about 4:30...drove into the hangar.....he had one guest with him.....they got on the airplane, we shut the door, the tug started us out of the now opened hangar doors, as the Mains crossed the hangar tracks I started the APU.... they disconnected the tug, re- connected the Nose wheel steering.... We got sprayed with the preventative de-ice, we started the engines and called for taxi... They were ready for us. Out we went and took off for PBI....the time from when Rush got on the plane till we took off was less than 15 minutes.....the time we were exposed to icing was about 4 minutes...Well under any holdover time limitation. There was nobody on the departure freq but us... All the airports were closed. So we spent the weekend in PBI and came back on Sunday night. All in all, an astoundingly successful mission. The Chief Pilot and I were happy. Obviously, my intention was to go in during the week and fix the paperwork...so I went home thinking this one is all set, no problems, nobody will figure this one out.

Come Monday, I'm at home...I really was ambivalent about Rush's politics, but I said to myself let me just turn on the show and see what he has to say........this is what followed...

"dunt dah dee dah....Americas most influential conservative....and now the Rush Limbaugh show....."

And Rush comes on..........(this is to the best of my memory)

"I'm telling you Ladies and Gentleman....only in America....American ingenuity...know how, and the desire and will to succeed..... We were in New York on Friday and there was a blizzard....We were in this Lockheed JetStar type aircraft, we drove right into the hangar taxied out and took off...it was a fantastic. All the NY airports were closed and we go flying....etc etc"

It went on for the opening 5 minutes of the show.....lol

So much for kicking one under the carpet....We waited for the next 3 weeks for the phone to ring from the FAA....it never did. I squared away the paperwork, and the rest is history.

Another Rush story

The JetStar was an excellent handling airplane....Lear Jets are very tricky, they take a lot of control movement and coordination of the rudder in crosswind landings. The JetStar for as complex as it is, is one big baby..... In a crosswind....you just think "I need about this amount of rudder...." You push it in and you usually get it of the first try....not so with the Lear....you're always making corrections. So we were coming back from Palm Beach with Rush in the back....it was my leg.... I was in the left seat.....the approach to Teterboro was the ILS 6....circle over Giants Stadium to RWY 1. The winds were like 330 at 30-35....it was a bumpy ride but the JetStar rides well, it just mushes in the turbulence... as opposed to a choppy ride. So we're in the circle...and bouncing around ... so I'm maneuvering in the left bank towards the runway....I put the crosswind correction in, and we're just bouncing around towards the runway.... I was maneuvering the yoke and rudder right down to the ground... well we caught a gust right as we were landing....I was still flying the airplane... I thought we were close enough to touchdown....but nothing happened..... I was still flying the airplane....when all of sudden the nose wheel hit the runway... so I was like "I guess we're here...." So I put out the reversers and decelerated. As we taxied in the Chief Pilot said..."wow that was some landing, I didn't even know we were on the ground". I was like "me neither"....

So we taxi in and park....As Rush was getting off of the airplane he said..."that was some landing....I didn't even feel us touch down".... The JetStar was a great landing airplane, on final crossing the numbers you just crack the 4 throttles back about an inch or two and the airplane sinks towards the runway and almost lands itself....... but on this day, with the gust you really can't expect a grease job..... but that's what we got. I little bit of luck always helps....never even knew the mains were on the ground.

Another Rush Story

This one isn't necessarily funny but it has value...

We were flying Rush from Teterboro to Kansas City with a stop in Moline to pick up is buddy George Brett......

We had a guest book on the plane and we would have celebrities sign it.... So I went in back and asked them if they would sign it......So Rush did and he handed it to Brett so he could sign.....As he took the book and pen I saw his World Series ring....I said "wow, that was pretty neat, could I see that again?"

He said "Sure" and he took off the ring and handed it to me...

Pretty cool

Another Rush story......

This is 1994.... it was my record year for nights in hotels...about 190.

Again I was a 135 SIC on a JetStar... I had a friend from college from Sydney Australia who was getting married in St Louis. I was angling for a little time off in hopes of going to St Louis for the wedding. It was Tuesday and I was about to approach the Chief Pilot to see if I could get the weekend off... I wasn't looking good. So I was a little disappointed. With that the Chief Pilot calls me up and says Rush just booked a trip to St Louis. Providence. So off we go to St. Louis. I make the wedding and stay out pretty late. Later I found out that Rush was in town to debate a liberal pastor. Turned out it was the pastor who officiated my friends wedding....lol..... True story

The last Rush story....

1994 again and we had been flying Rush since January... We had flown Rush to PBI and Cape Girardeau quite a bit.... had a Part 91 trip for the owners to Florida and were going to be down there for Thanksgiving. We let Rush's broker know that if he needed to go to PBI during the weekend we would fly him for gas money, since we were already on the road for Thanksgiving weekend anyway.....We gave the broker our schedule for the owners and just sort of said "work around that". Well about two days later the broker called up and said "OK....Rush wants to go to Sacramento.....I've figured out the duty times and here's the itinerary....." He had it all figured out... we would have made Part 135 duty times for his trip, and flying the Part 91 portions with zero sleep... the Chief Pilot called the broker back and said "that's not quite what we offered, we can't do that". So that was the end of Rush..... He later went on the radio an disparaged us over reneging on an offer, and said "I've used these people all year and now they do this" etc. Pretty ill informed and rude if you ask me.

I didn't care, I was tired of flying six days a week.

Mrs. Oscar de Larenta...

We were flying her and her kids from Punta Cana in the Dominican back the New York, with a stop in Wilmington for customs. We were told by the broker that booked the trip that she was a very nervous flyer and superstitious. I was the Part 135 PIC and DO at the time. She came up to the cockpit and started asking questions..." what's that and what's this" etc. So I started pointing out the instruments...." This is the airspeed, this is the attitude indicator, this is the compass, this is the altimeter....etc" When I got the the altimeter she said " what's the 390 mean?" I said "that's the altitude were flying at 39000 feet." With that she said "why are we at 390?".... Without missing a beat I said "Because its divisible by 13..." The copilot starts shaking his head....and she ran to the back.....LOL

Chi Chi Rodriguez......

I was on a Part 135 trip to LAX.. at the time Chi Chi had a JetStar and we parked our JetStar next to his. His Registration number was N911CR.... I walked into the lobby and Chi Chi was standing there...."I said Chi Chi.....I can figure out what the the CR stands for but why 911?" He said (and say this in your best Puerto Rican accent)...

"Becauzzz thaats what all thee oother golfers diaal wheen they C me koming"..... good joke

Pussy Galore....

You've got to go back to James Bonds Goldfinger with Sean Connery and Honor Blackman.

This is about 2003 or so.. I was based in Florida at the time and flying a 1966 JetStar (re-engined with fan jets) it had a snazzy paint job that I designed. Just google "last JetStar retires", or look up N313JS.

We were in Boston and holding on an outer taxiway waiting on traffic exiting the runway. Opposite us, facing us on the inner was a United A-320.... The frequency was quiet and all of a sudden there's a female voice and she says "Ground this is United xxx, can you tell us what type of aircraft that is holding at our 2 o'clock?"

Well the JetStar is distinctive.... what else has 4 engines in rear pylons?

So ground starts out "Let me see thats an L29B...(the flight plan type designation)...I'm not sure what that is...313JS...maybe you can help us out...."

I motion the the copilot "I'll take this one"

So I start out..."it's a Lockheed JetStar designed by Kelly Johnson in between the U-2 and the SR-71....it was a C-140 in the Air Force...you see them in a few movies, it was in Cliff Hanger with Sylvester Stallone...it was in Face Off...but it's most famous roll was probably in James Bonds Goldfinger.....However the pilot then was Pussy Galore..."

Hee Hee I'm thinking....lol

Dead silence on the frequency...and then I hear this crackling, laughing, male voice (probably the United captain)...go "THAT"SS RIGHT"....He probably had to explain that to his female copilot for the rest of the month.....

This is another story that I've read about over the years........it did not involve me.

I was a Lockheed guy...I flew a JetStar..but I read everything I could about Kelly Johnson, the U-2, and the SR-71....

Kelly was the best ever and still is..he has no equal.

So this is a story about the SR-71....

They were coming back from a mission over the Middle East.. They were over the Med and normally had to fly thru the Straits of Gibraltar on the way back to England, numerous refuelings etc. So as they were leaving the Med, they had a wobbling CSD (Constant Speed Drive)...So they had to throttle back the engine....So the front seater said..."so I decided to cross France without a clearance"... So he did...as he got to NW France and descending thru 60,000 feet since he had one engine at idle he said "All of sudden I saw a shadow on my left side".... It was a French Mirage...... On the guard frequency they heard "American Reconnaissance aircraft in French Airspace please state your diplomatic clearance number".....The front seater said to the backseater...."holy shit, he wants our diplomatic clearance number".......The back seater said..."Don't worry, I already gave it to him........" Funniest thing I've ever heard.

One more SR-71 story...

They were testing back in the 1960's and and the navigation system had a hiccup and they flew over Mexico, and were alerted by ATC. The pilots comment? He said "You've never been lost till you've been lost at Mach 3."

The following are some not so funny aviation stories from my personal experience...

This is about 1994...

I was the Chief Pilot and Instructor Pilot for a Part 135 JetStar.... We were flying Randolph Aperson Hearst and his wife Veronica from Teterboro to I think it's called Sysque in Northern California...They wanted to go non-stop from Teterboro so we topped off and headed out....the winds were against us...so we made a stop in Montana for a quick turn. On we went to Sysque.....Veronica inquired about "which airport we were landing at?" Evidently there is another smaller one up in the mountains... I said "no we're going to use the bigger one, we need the runway length." She sort of said "oh...but that computer guy landed his airplane at the smaller one..." She was talking about Bill Gates...lol. It was a Thursday or Friday we made this trip, we were to stay in Sysque for the weekend and go down to LA on Sunday. So we land in Sysque. The other pilot and I get a rent-a-car and on Saturday go exploring. We end up going down the Kalamath River a good ways....we finally find a pub for a bite to eat and a beer....Well we ended up having a lot of fun and drank quite a bit.... I told a few folks that we were from New York...and they said "Oh so and so comes from New York, he should be here in an hour". Sure enough, he shows up and we start talking..... I said "I live in Greenwood Lake, about 50 miles NW of NYC" He says "my sister lives in Greenwood Lake"..... so we start comparing notes.... I knew his sister since she lived about three houses away from me.... so we used a pay phone to call them... I said "hi this is Scott, your neighbor". She was like "Oh hi Scott"... I said "I'm here with your brother..." She said "what's he doing in Greenwood Lake?" I said "he's not....I'm in BF Northern California and we just met".....lol, she couldn't believe it. True story. We had a bit too much to drink and the folks wouldn't let us drive back on the windy road. We ended up sleeping in his camper that night..

So on with the trip...We takeoff from Sysque and head south to Van Nuys...I'm not quite sure how it went but I think we went and dropped off Veronica, and then went to Bakersfield to drop of Randolph, and then to San Diego to drop off their guests... This is where the aviation part gets interesting... I was in the right seat and had a new captain in the left seat.

We were headed south bound at about 23000 feet...

well the controller forgot about us and didn't give us a descent clearance to we were almost overhead the airport. So he gives us a descent clearance to about 4000 feet and an eastbound turn. So we're coming down like rock. The JetStar is not easy to slow down, and I'm coaching the new captain on the moves he has to make. Also the JetStar is a very checklist intensive airplane, lots of switches to throw. We get handed off to another controller and he's busy. I can hear about 7 airliners that are sequenced for final. He gives us a turn south bound towards the westbound Runway. I can see he's slamming us in in-front of the 7 airliners on final... because of the late descent we're a bit behind the airplane...

We finally get squared away at about 900 feet, all configured and set up and cleared to land, when the guy in the left seat says "what's that?" There was an airplane in position that we could barely see over the blast fence. I tried to go transmit to the tower but was busy talking. We're down to about 700 feet, we've got a stack of airplanes behind us, and the other pilot says "what should I do?" I said "just go ahead and land...he's not rolling this is going to be a clean miss, but whatever F'up has happened is already in the book" San Diego has what is called an extended threshold....because of the proximity of the hills on final you have to land about a third of the way down the runway. It's marked by paint. So you're using about 7400 feet of a 10000 foot runway. But the beginning of the pavement is all the way back by the hill. That means you can use the full length for takeoff. So there was a Jetstream 31, a small commuter airplane in position on the runway. If it was a 757 we would have seen it much earlier and gone around, if it was a small jet, like a Lear, we would have gone around also. A Lear jet could push up the power and accelerate to our speed and rotate into the bottom of us. But the Jetstream rotates at 90-100 kts......we were doing 140. Once he disappeared below the nose, there was no way he could catch us. So we go ahead and land and the JetStream says "Tower confirm Skywest xxx was cleared into position and hold?" I said "27RC has the same question".... Well the controller freaked. He started stuttering and a female controller took over... She said we were both correct and that it was a problem in the tower. So we drop of the passengers and position back to Van Nuys for the next days departure back to New York, I also get the tower phone number from the FBO. So we're back in Van Nuys, I use the phone and call SAN tower and ask for the manager....the guy that answered the phone says "She can't come to the phone right now, she's dealing with something." I say "tell her it's the pilot of the JetStar that landed over the Jetstream about an hour and a half ago". She got right on the phone...lol. I said "look it was going to be a clean miss" and told her about the speed differential, and the late descent and high workload, tell her man to relax. She said "Why didn't you go around?" I said "it didn't matter, we were going to go over someone's head at 500 feet whether we went around or landed" She said "yeah 500 feet is what we called it, you know we had that landing collision on the runway at LAX (Usair landed on a Metroliner into the sunset), our controller is freaking out because he thought that almost happened."

Again I said, "clean miss all the way, tell everybody to relax, but whatever F up happened was in the books either way.

This one is my bad......

This is about 1995. I was a new Captain on a Part 135 JetStar out of Teterboro. We had a charter to pick up an executive from Mobil at Washington Dulles (IAD) and go to MRY, Monteray California. The JetStar could make the west coast non-stop about 30% of the time. The flight plan said we could make it so we topped off and went for it. Everything was going well until the top of descent... all of a sudden the winds picked up to 200 kts against us and they were that way all the way down to 15000 feet. The weather in Monteray was advertised as clear, there is no full ILS because of the surrounding terrain, there is only a Localizer which gets you down to about 900 feet (as opposed to 200 feet for an ILS). Well we were coming down through the teens and into the lower altitudes and the wind was still howling. All of a sudden the airport information changed to a "special" which means a change. Well we were about 50 miles out and really had no place else to go. There was another special.... it was down to minimums. So we went into the sea fog at about 2000 feet, followed the LOC down to minimums and we were still in the clouds. So we go missed, which is straight ahead out over the ocean, the west half of the airport was severe clear so the controller said we could circle back visually to land into the prevailing wind. So we made a right downwind, about abeam the numbers we went back into the clouds. We were well out of bounds as far as correct procedures go, so we turn in the clouds over the airport and get headed westbound again to clear weather. The guy asks us if we want to try that again, we said no way. We'll just do a visual approach from the ocean and take the 25kt tail wind, which is well above the 10kt tailwind limitation for most jets. We had no gas, so there wasn't much choice. So I just put it on the numbers and we had no problem. But I didn't feel good about my decision making, and apologized to the other pilot for dragging him into it. The gauges said we had about 1400 lbs of gas, that's probably about 20 minutes. The nearest suitable airport was Salinas which was about 75 miles away over the mountains and inland..... a big I don't know...it would have been close. We fueled up the airplane and the gallons added calculation to what we had left added up to about 1500 lbs. Not my best day.

Puff Daddy.....

The trip was for Jet Aviation out of Teterboro...they were supposed to have a Gulfstream but it had a mechanical...they show up with about 40 people...they pile onto the airplane, and I go into the back to count heads....we had 2 too many. So I say "someone's got to go". So Puff made one of his posse get off of the airplane. I compromised and let our flight attendant sit on the cockpit jump seat. It wasn't an authorized seat for Part 135 operations, even for a company employee. So at least everybody had a seat belt. We were supposed to take them to Raleigh Durham (RDU) so Puff could play a concert, and drop them off, and the Gulfstream would replace us. Well after the arrival in RDU, their ground transportation didn't show up and there was mass confusion. They sorted it out, and we prepared to depart back to TEB. The broker called and said "stay put they're happy with the airplane"... So that's what we did. The Flight Attendant (really a cabin hostess with no safety training, since we didn't have that in our Operations Specifications), was from a local gentleman's club...I think Puff liked her more than the airplane.

Another no gas story....

I was the SIC on a Part 135 Lear 25 out of Teterboro. We had a trip to Key West, that was max range for the airplane. Well were at the runway at TEB on clear day and we get a 45 minute delay...after a bit the Captain picks up the mike and tells the FBO to call the airport manager and rattle the cage a little bit. I had been checking the weather for EYW all day, clear and 80 was the report. So off we go, we start coming out of FL450 (45,000 feet) over Miami. Weather still checks good but we're a little thin of fuel. So we're down to 2000 feet and there's patchy sea fog...The Navy controller says "Key West 11 o'clock and 7 miles".. "Not yet" I say...The Captain says "call the tower and ask him what the weather is"...I do that, and the tower says "Clear and 80"...The Captain says "tell him to look out the window" so I do, and the guy says "there appears to be sea fog rolling in from the Southeast". Yeah no shit. So Navy says "report Key West in sight". And I say, "we just lost the whole island, sea fog"...The Navy controller was right on the ball....he immediately said "turn right heading 280 this is vectors for an ASR (Airport Surveillance Radar) approach" So we did, and about then the low fuel light came on. We weren't supposed to take an ASR approach since it wasn't authorized in our Operations Specifications, but we didn't have enough gas to go back the 50 miles to Marathon. So we take the approach and break out just above minimums and land at Key West. I was a 1000 hour co-pilot and the captain said..."if you're ever down in the weather, have got no gas, and your given an approach, take it".... lesson learned.

Opposite direction GulfStream.....

I was in the left seat of a JetStar and the Chief Pilot was in the right....We were coming back from San Juan to Teterboro empty (no pax). Coming from over the ocean back to TEB they take you down to low altitude just North of Atlantic City, and your at 4000 feet all the way from there, to out over western New Jersey to Northern New Jersey when landing to the south at TEB. It adds about 20 minutes to the trip. So the Chief Pilot says "do you want to cancel and go in VFR?" I say "sure"....So we cancel over central New Jersey and turn right and head north bound to TEB. You tune in the ILS frequency for RWY 6 at TEB and just offset to the left a bit, this keeps you out of Newark's airspace. So we're coming up abeam Newark and call TEB Tower, well TEB was using the overhead left circle, where you come from just North of Morristown and overhead Caldwell, come over TEB at 1500 feet and circle to the left and land to the south on RWY 19 or 24. Well the Tower guy says "report WAYNS (the fix on the approach over Caldwell) and make overhead left traffic for RWY 24". I say to myself "shit he still thinks we're IFR" He hasn't got our cancelation from the radar controller. So were still coming up the LOC and about 6 miles out. He puts a Gulfstream in position on RWY 24 and clears him for takeoff.... The Chief Pilot says "go further left, he wants you to go overhead for 24...." I tried to tell him that "he thinks we're on the other approach and that's not going to work" The Gulfstream is now rolling right at us, we were at 1500ft and the departure altitude the Gulfstream is going to is 1500 feet with a right turn to 280. If I stay left of the localizer were going to be occupying the same airspace. So I start a turn to the right and push it down to 1200 feet since I know the Gulfstream is going to 1500. It worked, we just barely kept our turns outside of each other, and the 300ft differential was just a little extra insurance.... so we fly up the East side of TEB and land to the south. The Chief Pilot never caught it...he said "that was stupid, why would they do that"...I didn't say much, later I called the tower and said "was there something else I should have done?" The tower manager said "no we had a trainee on and he didn't get the IFR cancelation until to late"... I also said "I saw it all happen, and the guy I was flying with didn't, it's difficult to correct the Chief Pilot, I just made the move needed to prevent an accident" The tower guy said "you did fine it was the right thing"....whew...another lesson learned.

Another story of non standard operational procedure...

Did a trip to Europe for the owners of the aircraft...a Lockheed JetStar. We left the airplane in Budapest for three weeks and took the airlines back to the States while the owners toured Europe, we were supposed to airline back to Budapest and pick up in Prague. In the corporate world this is quite common. You usually give yourself a few days cushion to get into position. So I was in the right seat and had a very experienced Captain in the left seat, we did all of the normal preflight procedures, and also did the pre-take off checks at the runway. We were cleared for takeoff, and at rotation there was a loud BANG. I was in the right seat and heard it the best, there were no warning lights or indications. We got positive rate (of vertical climb, a standard call-out), and called for gear up. We were flying, but not accelerating normally. We had all four engines at 98%, and the fastest we got was 200 kts, and we only climbed to about 6000 feet. The airplane was just not going anywhere. I asked the left seater "do you feel anything?" He said "No, maybe just a little bit of yaw to the right", and gave me the yoke. Same outcome, I said "well we're not going anywhere let's go back" Also, our mechanic was on the plane and we had him check the flaps and the "worry windows"(small windows in the galley where you could see the main landing gear.) Nothing. So we tell ATC we need to comeback. So that's what we do. Everything is normal, just no performance. On touch down we have all normal indications except for the Thrust Reversers (T/R's). Number 3 has no lights at all. There's typically 3 on most jets, an ARM light telling you they're available for deployment, an UNLOCK light telling you they've left the stow position and are not locked anymore (any sort of UNLOCK indication in flight is usually handled as an emergency in most Jets), and a DEPLOY light telling you they're fully extended and ready to be used for reverse thrust (commanding more than idle power). Well we had no lights at all on number 3 and quickly deduced that that's what the problem was. So we taxi in, and I tell the guy in the left seat to keep number 3 running, while I hop out and take a look. So I open the door and go around the nose of the airplane....."Holy Shit"....Number three T/R is absolutely mangled. T/R's (there's really 2 types, buckets which are like a clam shell at the rear of the engine, which open up like a clam shell and block the positive thrust, and once fully deployed, deflect higher thrust to aid in deceleration. The other type is cascade, which is more common on airliners and later model business jets, they are further forward in the engine and most of the operation is internal.) We had buckets, and the bottom clamshell was just dangling below the engine. I motion to shut down #3, and everybody climbs out to take a look. Well the top clam shell was just laying in place, still attached to the airplane but not secured, so it was open in flight also. T/R deployments in flight are quite often fatal. Nicki Lauda lost a 767 to a T/R deployment, there was a Westwind that went in because of a T/R deployment. When I told my ex-Chief Pilot about our incident he said "wow, that says something about a 4 engine airplane", you only deal with a 25% loss, over a 50% loss (on top of that we had the engine at full power because we had no indication, typically if you have a T/R deploy indication, part of the procedure is to idle the engine. So not only did we have a T/R deploy, we had max throttle). So we're stuck, I call the secretary in Fort Lauderdale and say tell the boss were not going to be in Prague for the pick up and return flight to the States. All three of us go to work on the airplane. Our first attempt was to secure everything with safety wire. So we tried that, we already knew the plane would fly, shit, one just came out at rotation and we climbed away from it, so what if it came out again at altitude. So that's what we do....take-off was uneventful, but at about 4000 feet going thru 240kts the whole thing let go again. It just couldn't handle the airloads. So we return to Budapest again. The repair was the problem....to access the T/R assembly on a JetStar you have to drop the entire engine. So I call Islip NY, they have a mobile engine drop capability...he said "Where?"...I said "Budapest" he just laughed...I guess I did too. The only next place I can think of is Jet Aviation in Geneva. So I call them to see if a mobile team can do an engine drop in the field....He says "no-way, our shop is full"...shit. So I go back and forth with him for about an hour, and I'm coming to the realization that this is going to have to be a do-it-yourself project, otherwise the airplane is going to become Budapest's newest flower pot. The manager in Geneva say's "hang on there's a JetStar right here in the hangar, let me go take a look at it"....I say "OK". He comes back and says "it looks like they're just along for the ride, they don't do anything inflight, they're just faired around the normal engine exhaust." "He says why don't you just take them off?" It was exactly what I was thinking...I just didn't want to be the first one to say it.... So I go "if I take them off and show up on your ramp, your OK with that?" He said "There shouldn't be a problem". I said "OK, I'll let you know". So I review it with the other crewmembers, and everybody agrees it's our only option. So we go to work tearing at the armatures that hold the clam shell doors on, and have pretty good success. There was another movable part called a stang which was a fairing to cover some of the moving parts, it was driven by a 4ft long flex drive. Well, that flex drive (a braided cable that spins inside of a flexible casing) had spun itself into a squirrels nest, it was just one big knot. Try as we might we couldn't cut it, or clip it, or get to disengage. We finally figure out that we need to get the stang to come off the end of the pylon to have any chance at accessing the flex drive. We didn't have all the tools to do this and a friendly local Budapest mechanic helped us out. We also kept the guard with the machine-gun happy with coke and peanuts. So we get all the parts off of the airplane, the few armatures we couldn't remove (frozen bolts) we tied down with safety wire. So we're all set and everybody is ready to climb in the airplane and go to Geneva. I say "hold on, we've had quite a day already, (it's now about 2:30pm local)....why don't we go back to the hotel, shower up, get a bite to eat, and come back here for an evening departure, I don't want to show up in Geneva with an airplane with obviously missing parts in daylight. They have a 10pm curfew, it's an hour flight, let's take off about 830pm show up at closing in the dark, and maybe we have no problems"...Everybody thought this was a good idea, so that's what we did. We land in Geneva at about 945pm, we had all of the T/R parts in the cabin in plastic bags, and I instructed the mechanic to do a postflight and casually remove all of the safety wire. We would then have a plausible story that it happened on arrival in Geneva (almost). The mechanic said "good, a postflight with dykes" (wire cutters). LOL. The FBO said "customs wants to know if your crew only?" I said "yes" and they said "your good, they don't even want to see you."...Hooray, we made it. It was a Friday, so we all go the hotel. I go back to the airport on Saturday, and they already had the airplane in the hangar. We were there about 14 days...to make a long story short it was on about day 6 that I figured out (with the swiss mechanic) that the T/R had destroyed itself on the STOW cycle, not the DEPLOY cycle as you would have expected. During the pre-takeoff check, you were supposed to check normal T/R operation (ARM, UNLOCK, DEPLOY, and normal STOW, and then check the same sequence using the EMERGENCY STOW switches, which are supposed to be used if you have a T/R deployment in flight. Well, the EMERG STOW system bypasses some of the safeguards, and what had happened was, that when we tested the EMERG STOW, it slammed everything back into the STOW position so hard, that it blew apart everything, and mashed the microswitches the run the logic and indicating system to garbage. So that's why we had no warning. After 14 days in Geneva, we made it back to the states. I later heard of another JetStar that had the same failure. I called the mechanic and said "take a close look, it happened on the STOW cycle." He called me back a day later and said "holy shit, if you didn't tell me that I would have been here for another week."

Another near miss....

I hadn't been in a 20 series Lear Jet for 20 years, and there was this 70 something year old, who was the owner and a pilot, and needed per diem copilots to fly with him to Santo Domingo in the Dominican from Fort Lauderdale Executive...(FXE). He wasn't the best pilot, and I guess I was there to keep him out of the weeds. So we're taking off to the east. At about "gear up" the tower starts screaming "Lear so and so....TRAFFIC ALERT.."and the rest was unintelligible. Well the 20 series Lears are little rocket ships, and we're smoking, he hasn't pulled the power back. I look to the right and there's a Mooney at 1000ft... I start to grab the controls and the old man says "I got it...I see him" We went under the Mooney at about 900 ft and just behind him at 200kts. Without the correction it would have been a T-Bone. There was no need to call the tower later because it was a mistake...I'm pretty tolerant of mistakes. I could hear it in controllers voice.... I'm sure he called up Miami and said "don't release them over the departure end again." Just a note on being a Per Diem pilot...it's a bad deal, you can preflight the airplane, and it's OK, but you have no idea about the maintenance history, A.D.'s (Airworthiness Directives), S.B's (Service Bulletins), many of which turn into A.D's., and other parameters.

The VLF (Very Low Frequency) Story...

VLF was one of the navigation systems in place long before GPS (God Protects the Stupid). The Navy funded it and used it to communicate with their submarines, it could penetrate something like 60 meters of water. One of the JetStar pilots I flew with later, had been a C-130 driver in the Navy. He said he was a "wire hanger". They would fly the C-130 at 20000 feet, and spool out 17000 feet of wire out the back door, all while in a 45 degree bank about 5 kts above stall speed. The object was to get the wire as vertical as possible for the best transmission results. He also said the Russian Bears would buzz them overhead by a 1000 ft..and they would be screaming on the radio..."don't fly below us". He said "they knew exactly what we were doing...this was just to let us know that they knew we were there".

Anyway, now that your all checked out on VLF, this is the story...

I was a newly hired SIC, and I had to do a oral with the FAA. We were trying to qualify our 135 certificate to allow operations in the MNPS (Minimum Navigation Performance Airspace) which is pretty much the entire North Atlantic ocean, your out of radar coverage so there are some pretty strict navigation rules and procedures. If you are Part 91, all you need is a LOA (letter of authorization) which covers the airplane, and there really is no training requirement for the pilots. For an Air Carrier (Part 121 or 135) you need authorization specifically in your manual which requires check rides (in actual MNPS airspace), orals, and updates to your manual. So I was in my oral with the FAA at TEB, and the guy says "how do you update the position on the VLF", The old VLF boxes could store 9 waypoints and you had to enter the coordinates manually. For example DIX in North Carolina is N24241 W77272, I've programed it so many times, I still remember it. Well to update the position, which you do periodically in flight when your over a known waypoint, you turn the rotary selector switch to POS (position), and as you fly over the fix you type in the new coordinates, when overhead the fix, you hit "enter", and the box updates its position. Well the FAA guy got into my shit...he said "you have to hit HOLD first"...I said "I don't think so...it works if you just go to POS and ENTER." Well he didn't like that. So over the course of the next few weeks, I called up Global (the manufacturer) and asked them. They said "no, all HOLD does is freeze the Present Position in the display, you can update the position (over moving coordinates) without using the HOLD function." I was like, "yeah, that's what I thought." I also checked the Global operation manual, and it was pretty clear, on the update position page, it gave the whole ten step procedure, including the HOLD button, but there was a footnote that said "if your only updating the position you can skip step's 3-4-7 & 8". One of those was the HOLD button. So it's time for our checkride. We had the lead FAA Inspector (POI), and this so called navigation specialist (a Retired American Airlines pilot, who was working for the FAA, who said "I should have your job, I have more experience than you." F him, he's got two pensions and I'm a copilot looking for a job.) So we load up at TEB and head to San Juan... they had to get special permission from the FAA managers to do an airline surveillance ride to get from San Juan back to JFK. I can tell this guys not done with this. Well I had the manuals, the heads up from the manufacturer and I was motivated to not take this without a little push back. So we're abeam Bermuda, and he says "show me how you update the position in the VLF". I go ahead and do it without using the HOLD button, and he about screws himself into the ceiling. He goes running back to the POI in back and starts making a stink. The Chief Pilot goes back, and after a while comes back to the cockpit..."he says they may want to fail us over this hold thing." I was like "I'm not worried". So we land in San Juan, and everybody but me says "we've got to go to Customs". I said, "no we don't, we came from New York to San Juan, there's no customs". The Chief Pilot said "but when you come from the islands you have to clear customs". I said "yeah from the islands, but we came from the US." ATC told us to taxi to the FBO, so I guess the case was settled. So we get to the ramp and the other 3 are all in the back waiting for me..I'm intentionally doing my right seat shut down duties slowly to see how this pans out. Eventually, the Chief Pilot says "Scott, your presence is required back here." Good, I've got the pot to a boil. So I go in back, and the POI says "is there any other checklist in this VLF manual that covers what your talking about?" I say "I don't know, let me look". So I go paging through it, taking my time, and after about 10 minutes the navigation guy says "that's not what we're talking about, we're talking about the HOLD button." Good, I got him to boil over. I let him rant a bit, then I say to the POI, "I'm an airman being questioned for an oral, you asked me a question, have I answered yet?"... He said "no you haven't"...point of order....So I go back to the manual and eventually I find another checklist that incorporates the POS update (I think it was the one where you turn the box on in the first place). I hand the manual back to the POI and say "yes". Well the navigation guy goes nuts. The POI gets him calmed down, realizes where I'm going, and says "OK, which one is it?" So I take the book back, open to the one I found and say "this one". He takes the book, reads the one I've found, and says "well that's the same thing as the one we're talking about." I say "yes it is, but that wasn't the original question." The POI is catching on. He then hands me the manual and says "tell me how you would update the position". So I take the manual, go thru the 10 steps, and everybody is on the edge of their seats. And then I get to the footnote and read that, which distinctly says, "if your only updating the position you can skip step xyz". I hand the manual back to the POI, and he's stunned. He reads the footnote, looks up at me, realizes I'm right, closes the manual, and says, "We've got to catch our airline flight, we've got to go." I didn't say a word. They exit the airplane, and I stay inside. The Chief Pilot comes back latter and sort of says "wow". You know what the funniest part of the story is...they forgot about the time change (Atlantic) in San Juan, and missed their return flight to NY. They had to hang out in the terminal until 10pm for the next flight. LOL

Another Thrust Reverser story....

We were having a problem with the number one T/R deploy light. About every ten landings it wouldn't come on. Without the deploy light you don't know if the reverser is fully deployed. Normal procedure is to touch down, you take your hands off of the throttles, reach on top of the throttle quadrant and lift up on the "piggy backs". You lift them up a little bit to unlock, and wait momentarily to let the T/R's cycle to DEPLOY. Once you get the DEPLOY light, you lift the piggy backs further up to command the engines to spool up, and that's how you get reverse thrust. So when this happens just after touchdown, it's all pretty quick. If you don't get a deploy light, you have to fumble around a bit, and restow the affected piggy back. You don't want positive thrust as your going down the runway at 130 kts. So we were having this intermittent failure. We changed every micro switch in the system at different times, and this went on for about 4 months. I'm finally getting pissed that we can't isolate the issue. So one night we come back from a trip, and I have about 3 mechanics tearing into the number 1 T/R. There was a way to manually crank out the T/R without starting the engine, you used a speed drive and cranked away to move the T/R assembly. Well it was night time, and we've got the T/R fully deployed and there's no light in the cockpit. All of sudden, I notice the landing gear indicator lights are very bright. I think, "well that's easy, you just turn on the navigation lights (the red, green, and white position lights for night time operation), and they automatically dim. So I hit the NAV light switch, and the gear lights go dim, and guess what, the number 1 T/R deploy light comes on at full bright. Well F me dead. There's a little 2 dollar resistor in the circuit that reduces the voltage to the light so they're dim for night time operations. We never recognized that our incorrect indication was always a night. All the switches and parts that we had been chasing were functioning properly. So I hit the wiring diagrams, found out where this resistor was, located it, and took it out, and got another. The resistor was about the size of a cigarette. It was ceramic, and had wire wrapped around it. Sure enough, we tested it with a meter and the circuit was open. We probably spent 10K chasing a $2 part. You just never know.

Tom Brokaw...The Northridge earthquake...and idiotic operations.

I was at home 38 miles NW of Teterboro and the Chief Pilot called up and said, we've got a pop-up trip to LA.... I said "turn the TV on..there's been an earthquake". I said I'd come to the airport. It was snowing at TEB and the airport was at minimums. Jet Aviation wanted to guarantee that the trip would be nonstop to LA, we couldn't do that against the winter winds. So they wanted us to stay on standby so they could find a airplane that could. So this is about 845am, Jet hunts around and finds a G-2 at Waterbury that will take the mission. The only problem was the airplane had to reposition to TEB from OXC. It's now about 1145am, and they're shooting the VOR 24 at TEB. It gets you down to about 500 feet, which is what the ceiling was being called at. So we wait, the Gulfstream misses twice and finally makes it in on the third try. They depart about 1230 to make the west coast for the 6pm national news broadcast. All in all, sheer idiocy. We were already at the airport, if the G-2 couldn't get in they would have missed the whole smash. What they should have done is gotten on our airplane at 9 am, gone somewhere 2 hours out for a QT. If they were worried about a mechanical or something, they would of had 2 hours to find a back up plane at our QT location. It could have been in position with two hours notice, and if they wanted to change planes they could do it there. The other thing is that LA in the winter is max range for a G-2. That means they got out to LA with minimum fuel, and questionable airport conditions due to the earthquake.

Nicholas KaraXXX and Sparten Publishing....

This is my record setting 135 road trip....

We were an audited operator at TEB for Jet Aviation. Jet had a client that took a yearly summer vacation trip to Europe. He had never been on a JetStar and wanted to try it. He didn't want to provide a full itinerary, he just wanted to make it up as he went along. So all we had was pick-up in PHL (Philadelphia), go to Gander for a QT, and then across the pond to Cork. So we depart TEB, and go to PHL, we load up and off we go. We get to Cork and we're pretty beat. The next day he calls and says "I want to go to Paris tomorrow". So I call the handling agent and set it up. We go to Le Bourget. We're there for two days, I was staying at the Paris Hilton. He invited me over to his Paris hotel for some cheese and fruit. He was staying at the Le Grillon at the Leonard Bernstein suite..it was a nice gesture and the place was pretty fancy. He said "next I want to go to Cyprus"... I said "OK". There was one problem. I had brought all of the European maps (about 7 books worth), and wasn't sure if the coverage went as far east as Cyprus... I found out it didn't. Cyprus was about 125 miles off of the maps that I had. So, I had the phone number of a JetStar operator in Athens. I called them up, (Stellios Netrakis), he was overjoyed that we would make our way to Athens eventually. I told him I had a problem, I needed the maps for Cyprus. He said "what airport are you going to?" I said "I don't know yet." He said "there's two, Larnaca and Nicosia, I'll send you the maps for both....where are you staying at, the Paris Hilton?" I said "yes, do you want the fax number?"...he said "no I've already got it." Sure enough about 2 hours later I had a 24 page fax at the front desk. So off we go from Paris down the west coast of Italy, left at the end and down the Med. and land in Larnaca. On the next day he said "Athens is next". So I called Stellios (he flew for Antenna One, Greece's second or third largest TV station), and told him of our arrival time... We had a radio acting up, we weren't getting any range in the transmission or reception. So we arrive in Athens, debark the passengers, and meet up with Stellios. He was going to have his mechanic check the airplane over. I told him about the problem with the radio and he said he'd have his mechanic swap the number 1 with the number 2. So we're pretty tired, and he says "Let's go out"... so we do, have an excellent family style meal, and then go to a club owned by his employer. He said, "do you drink Scotch?" I said "good enough", and the waitress brings a whole bottle to the table with a bucket of ice. We had arrived on Tuesday, and our next departure was Friday to Vienna. So it's Friday and off we go. Problem, we couldn't hear crap on either radio, the transmit and receive range was about 75 miles. So we fly all the way up the Adriatic getting relays from other aircraft. It's that way all the way into Vienna. So we get there Friday afternoon, and our luck the FBO was also a radio repair shop. I was run by Herr Springer, an Austrian WW2 vet, but he didn't say what he did in the war (I gathered that it had something to do with tanks). Well, he says he'll have his guy tear into it on Saturday. So that's what we do, they gave us a ride to the hotel about 30 minutes away, and said we'll pick you up tomorrow at 10 and head back to the airport. We get there and I show the mechanic how to open the radom, and we yank the radios out. Well one of them failed the bench test. So he says he'd look for a loaner. He did, and it turned out the last two VHF-20's (I think) were just put on an airliner in London to be shipped back to the States. Crap. Well, I had a spare VHF-20, the only problem was it was in New York. So I called our DOM (Director of Maintenance), and told him I needed our spare radio. I probably woke him up at about 4am. Herr Springers lady friend and shop manager said there's a SwissAir flight that comes from JFK and gets into Vienna about 9am. So on Saturday, our DOM in NY takes the radio to JFK, has to show them his mechanic license to prove the radio is really an airplane part and gets it put on the flight to Vienna. AOG is what they call it, Aircraft On Ground. So we go back to the hotel, and the Springer crew says we'll see you in the morning. So at about 8am Sunday we get picked up at the hotel again and off to the airport. The lady friend manager heads over to customs and expedites the pickup of the spare radio. She brings it back to the FBO and we install it in the airplane. Finished up at about 10am, all set for our 11am departure to London. PFM, Pure F'n Magic. Herr Springer told me a good flying story, it went something like this..."After the War I was a flight engineer on a Lockheed Constellation. We took off from (wherever) we only had one generator working, we got to Copenhagen and I had two generators working, we got to Iceland and I had 3 generators working, by the time we got to JFK we had all of the generators working." Another side note, they were so helpful I offered to send them some American wine, which is hard to get in Europe...they were excited. I got back to the States and found out I couldn't ship alcohol. About 5 years later I had another trip to Europe with a stop in Vienna, and I brought a case of wine with me. I walked in and there she was. I said "Remember me?"...She said "yes I do, where's my wine?"...I said "hang on a minute I'll be right back". She was floored when I walked in with 10 bottles of wine....I said "how's Herr Springer?".....She said he doesn't come to the airport anymore....I said "make sure to tell him thanks and have a glass of wine on me". True Story.

So back to the trip.....the passengers show up, and we depart for London Stansted. The radio works like a charm. So we land in London on Sunday afternoon. On Monday, the other pilot and I go downtown via a 40 minute train ride. While downtown, the passenger calls and says he wants to go to the Cape Verde islands off of Africa, stay for a few days, then over to Brazil, and then up to St. Lucia. I say "wait a minute....I booked a trip to Europe I don't have the maps for Africa, and I really don't want to go against the wind from Africa to Brazil over the water. I say what are you really trying to do?"....He says "its my daughters anniversary, and she's in St Lucia, I want to surprise her." Great. I tell him "I'm going to have to go to airplane and see what I can do." So I head back to the airport. I go out to the airplane and start the APU (Auxiliary Power Unit), and turn on the GPS. I come up with "lets go to Iceland (BIKF), then to Gander (CYQX), then to Bermuda...RON (Remain Over Night), I'll have the Latin America charts shipped from New York to Bermuda, and then from there to St Lucia." He says "OK, we haven't been to Bermuda in a while". So we depart London, I think it was a Saturday. We make it to Bermuda, I call the other pilot who's at home and tell him to ship the Latin America charts to Bermuda. Sunday morning I take a taxi to the airport and drop off the copilot, then head back downtown to the FedEx facility to get the maps. I have to get them off of the loading dock, since the shipment would arrive too late at the airport. I'm taking a taxi back to the airport, and I see the airplane on the south airline ramp, not at the FBO...I was like "Holy shit, what's the copilot doing?" Turns out the fuel truck was broken and the only fuel was out of the ground on the airline ramp. So its about 10am, and were mostly ready. About 11am we take of for St Lucia. We stay there 2 days, and he comes back with the rest of his family and we already have a 3 piece marble thing he bought in Paris, we're loaded to the gills, easily at max gross if not more. Off we go, it's a slow climb out to altitude. We were flight planned to ILM Wilmington NC to clear customs. Well the winds aloft were howling and we were going to have no gas at ILM, there's no place to fall short, it's all water. So I tell Miami ATC that we need to make a safety of flight diversion to Ft. Lauderdale FLL, and would they please advise customs. It adds about an hour to the trip, but we have no choice. So we clear at FLL with no problems, customs was very understanding, that's not always the case. We fuel up, head to PHL, and drop everybody off. He gives me a thousand dollar tip, and three hundred for the co-pilot....he sort of says "you made everything happen, the other guy was just there...." Very nice I'm thinking......... So it's the copilots leg, we're tired of ATC, it's a beautiful clear night, so we go VFR (Visual Flight Rules as opposed to Instrument Flight Rules) and fly from PHL to TEB.... we come up the Jersey shore, and over the Verrazzano, we call "the Lady" (the Statue of Liberty) to TEB tower, and come straight into land. End of trip....it was about 17 days....it took me another 2 months to put the paperwork to bed.

Did I mention Stelios and Athens Greece?

Prior to the previous story, Stelios was at Teterboro in the JetStar he flew from Athens. The first time I met him was at the FlightSafety training center in Atlanta. That's where the simulator is for the JetStar. He gave me his contact info, and obviously I used it. He was at TEB, and in the States for a couple of weeks. We were chatting and I said if he needed anything in the States give me a call. Well about 4 hours later he called and said we blew a tire at PHL. So I said standby, I'll get our spare built up tire and wheel and come down. So the wheel, tire, our mechanic, a jack and a few tools piled into a C172, (which you really can't charter), and I took a flight instruction trip to PHL, we changes his tire and he made his departure. He said he'd been having a problem with the antiskid. So we took his blown tire back to TEB, had the local shop overhaul it, and about 10 days later he was back in TEB on the way back home. We swapped out the wheel and tire and off he went to Europe.

PWK to TEB, beat the G-3............

We were on a 135 trip, and the company had booked two airplanes... Some of the major companies don't let all their executives travel on the same airplane. They do that for insurance, and to protect the company if one should get into an accident. Well we were to first to load up at Chicago Executive (PWK), by about two minutes, I told the copilot to hurry and call ground, I wanted the head start. So off we go, and I'm doing max forward speed, screw the fuel and the climb rate. The JetStar could just about match the G-3 to about 25000 feet, but after that it was all over, the G-3 goes like rocket to 41000 feet. The old straight pipe engines work great at the higher altitudes, where as the fans sort of poop out. So we're smoking along at about FL310 and I can hear the G-3 is higher and faster, he's catching us. I keep pouring on the coals. We get onto NY Center for the descent over Wilkes Barre and NY slows him down....got him. We land at TEB, and as we're taxing back to Jet Aviation, the G-3 lands. I made sure to point this out on the PA to our passengers.

Flight training the FlightSafety guys....

I had about the only JetStar that FSI would fly on...they turned down plenty of others for incomplete paperwork, missing safety equipment, inoperative equipment etc. They had two instructors that needed to do their airplane qualification portion of their training. The JetStar simulator was only good for 85% of the type ride. It was too old to be qualified for circling approaches. The airplane portion of the ride was something like a normal ILS, and ILS with an engine out, and a circling approach. So I called up FSI, I had a pilot ready to go to school for a type rating. FSI initials for the JetStar were something like 24K. So I said "you give my man a free initial, and I'll provide my airplane for the two instructors, just buy the gas." The FSI manager said OK. So I show up with the airplane at ATL (Atlanta Hartsfield). Our plan was to go over to AGS (Augusta GA), a good flight training airport for jets. Well they showed up but there was only one problem....they had one check to pay for fuel, not a credit card. I'm like "what are you guys thinking....this is going to take more than on uplift." So I'm a little pissed at the lack of foresight, but we're already there. So I put on a full wing load of fuel, the bullets are empty, but that's max landing weight for the JetStar 36K lbs. The wing holds 10k lbs and the bullets are 4k each. That means our first landing is going to be at max landing weight, that's 140kt ref speed. Well I have their first instructor in the left seat. He was a Vietnam F-4 pilot and said he didn't like getting shot at. So off we go from ATL to AGS. He wasn't ready for the ride. We touchdown on I think it's Rwy 17 at AGS, and we're smoking down the runway. He was slow to reach for the T/R's, and I use my left hand over his and start pulling the T/R's to max reverse. As we finally start to slowdown he says something about "at slower speeds your only supposed to use those at idle." I said "not if your at the end of the F'n runway..." We were max reverse until the last 400 feet or so. It was 100 degrees out, the fuse plugs (overheat protection so the tires don't blow, the idea is that the fuse plug goes first) let go on both of the left mains. We taxied in on the rims. We FOD'd (Foreign Object Damage) the left side engines. It was about 17k in damage. The rims left a scar on their ramp when we taxied in... a few years later, I was back on the ramp with another airplane and I told the line guy "I put those there."... He said "your famous." LOL. The company accountant was pissed and I resigned over it. He later made the pilot I was getting prepped for the ride go to school, which was the object in the first place. When he came out of school he had to do his airplane portion. Well they put on a wing load of fuel at FXE (Ft Lauderdale Executive), and guess what...they had the same result. Blew tires all over again and closed the runway. F'n accountants.

Just as a side note...As systems advanced they put a little more logic in the designs. I knew a few Lear 60 drivers and they told me that the T/R's automatically start to idle below 40 kts...That's nice, but if you only see the approach lights coming up, or a fence it would sure be nice to have max reverse. If your last thought "F we're going to die" screw the FOD and the engines. There should be an emergency override so you can have max reverse down to idle.

Another San Juan to New York story....

I was a 135 SIC on a JetStar. I we had no PAX and it was my leg to come home from San Juan. We're in descent, about 50 miles east of Atlantic City. We're coming down thru about FL240, and we get a further clearance to cross some fix a 12000 feet. So I'm coming down and the Chief Pilot says "I, wish we could go in VFR." I said "we can". He said "you know how to do it from the south?" I said "yup". So we're coming down and he says "your not going to make the crossing restriction." I said "I don't have to, all I've got to do is clear FL 180, and we cancel IFR." So that's what we do, it was severe clear on a winter night. We cancel, I go down to 1500 feet abeam Belmar, we go over Sandy Hook, The Veranzanno, call TEB at the lady (Statue of Liberty), TEB says "make straight on RWY 1" and tells an MU-2 to hold short for landing traffic. We pass the WTC over the Lincoln Tunnel and straight into RWY 1. Beautiful night, and another trip in the books.

A real heart attack....

In the late 1990's we had a steady diet of IPO road shows. A company works for 9 months or a year to their accounting and other stuff ready to go public. One of the last things they do is go on a two week tour of the states that is coordinated by the underwriter, and they visit potential investors to pre-sell the stock. I liked flying the IPO's, because they were business people, had schedules, and in general were very considerate. As opposed to gamblers lets say, when you go to Vegas for a 2 day trip, and end up there for a week. So I was the 135 SIC, for a leg from TEB to MKC...Downtown Kansas City. It's a normal flight, I went in the back once to see how everybody was doing. One of the passengers was laying on the divan. I think his name was Jim Greenwood, he was the CFO of Specialty Equipment Corp. They made all of the behind the counter stainless for McDonalds. So we land in MKC, our normal procedure was for the left seat pilot to hop out upon parking, and open the door, and go to the bottom of the steps as a safety measure while the PAX deplaned. By the time the last PAX was off, the right seat guy would be done with the airplane and ready to toss out the baggage. So we park at Executive Beechcraft after landing to the south, it was a very short taxi, right on to the ramp, and they put us on the #1 spot, where the cabin door opens right to the facility door. The only other thing on the ramp was a helicopter right next to us. So I hop out of the left-seat, open the door, and drop the stairs. Usually people are right behind you...not so this night. I hear "come on Jim wake up"..... shit. Finally someone says "Do you think he's OK?". So I figure I better head to the back. I get back there and he's 3/4 on his stomach. I give him a hard shake....nothing. So I reach over, grab his collar, and belt buckle, and heave ho to get him on his back. He's dusky, but warm. Shit. So I quick run up front and tell the right seater "call the tower and tell them we need the CFR equipment" (Crash Fire & Rescue). As I turn to go back to the back, I saw the Line Service guys waiting to help with the bags. I said "When the ambulance shows up on the ramp, we're the aircraft that called for it." I figured I might as well let someone outside of the airplane know. I head to the back and start CPR. Well, it turned out the helicopter was a med-evac for the local hospital. So one of the line guys walked over to the helicopter and told them we had called for an ambulance. I'm doing CPR, and the next thing I hear from the front is "I'm John with Life Flight...can I help?" I scream "Yes" from the back, and he takes a peek and see's I'm working a full arrest. He turns to his female assistant and says "get the life pack and the drug box". I had previously flown for an air ambulance company, and was familiar with the terminology and equipment. The nurse comes in back and says "How long has he been down?" I query the other pax, "when's the last time you saw him move?"...they say "about 30 minutes ago he laughed at a joke." So I'm doing the CPR at the Start and Stop commands of the nurse. Stop CPR, and he intubated the patient. Start CPR.... back on the pumps. Stop CPR...injected with lidocaine. Start CPR.. about this time the airport CFR shows up. I swear, within ten minutes of setting the parking brake, we had this guy intubated, drugged and on a heart monitor. They got him started again, took him to the helicopter, and off to the hospital. He didn't make it. Jet Aviation found another airplane in Chicago where they were based, and brought the family to MKC that night. Right in the prospectus it said "Loss of any of the key company personnel could be considered detrimental to this offering." The roadshow went on, we were supposed to hit Denver the next morning, but we chucked that, and left a little latter and went straight to San Diego, and picked up the rest of the trip. We caught Denver on the way back. You can't make all this stuff up.

You don't need fuel caps do you?......

We were on a roadshow again and were at Houston Hobby. We left a fuel order with the FBO, and went for lunch. I left the external fuel switches in appropriate position. We came back and the airplane was lopsided. Holy shit. I put power on the airplane and the right bullet had about 2000 lbs of fuel in it. I forget if we had to defuel it, or just added more fuel to balance out the airplane. The JetStar had no tank to tank transfer capability, it had six tanks, and any of the tanks could feed any of the engines, that's called crossfeed as opposed to transfer. So in this process we removed the right Aux tank fuel cap. Somehow we didn't get it secured. Our next leg was to MKC, Downtown Kansas City. We taxi in and the line guy starts pointing at the Right Aux. It was missing the cap. So I get the part number from the left side and I start calling around. Can't find one. I call a mechanic who used to work on the airplane at TEB, and he says "he's got one..but wasn't sure if it would fit"....So I say "overnight it to MKC". We've got a 10am departure. So I go to the airport at about 8am to meet FedEx. I get there, and there's a note at the front desk. "Call this guy" I do and he says "I'll be right there." Sure enough, he's got a fuel cap. He said he heard about our problem, had about 6 in his tool box, and one of them fit. I think I gave him 40 bucks. The one from TEB didn't fit, so it was a great save. Turned out there was a short in the internal fuel control panel. On with the roadshow.

Another roadshow.... another mechanical, and another save.

We were flying GPA...Guinness Peat Aviation. They were an Irish aircraft leasing company. They owned about 700 airliners, and leased them out all over the world. They were supposed to get a bigger aircraft, but none was available, so JetAviation put us on the trip. They were going to use us for the first week, and then change over to a different airplane. We pull into MSP that night. I go in the back and the Managing Director of GPA says "what kind of airplane is this again?" I say "a Lockheed JetStar" He says "what year is it?" I say "1966, re-engined with fans".... He goes "holy shit, we're riding on a 30 year old airplane?...the pressurization is so smooth." He gets into when they re-engined the airplane and I said "it was done on an STC (Supplemental Type Certificate) in the late 70's." He says "you know, we own 60 DC-8's that were re-engined on a new TC(Type Certificate)... He says "when you do the engine upgrade on a TC you get to change the date of manufacture." I already knew that since I had read their prospectus. So we overnight, and come back to the airplane the next morning. The PAX show up, the Director says " I talked to my Chief of Engineering in Ireland. He said I wonder if it was one of the 65 I re-engined when I was Chief of Engineering at Allied Signal..." I said "yes it was, it was pick-up unit number 45, owned by Johnson & Johnson." There's no spoofing these people, they're in the airplane business. We were at MSP (Minneapolis St. Paul), it was about 8 am, we loaded up, and started to taxi. I didn't go 10 yards, and I lost the Nose Wheel Steering. So I get out of the pilot seat and check out the nose gear. The nose gear squat switch which senses whether the airplane is in flight or on the ground, had a bunch of wires pulled out of it. It was shot. So I climb back on the airplane and head to the back to inform the pax. I get there, and the new pax is one I recognize. It was a guy who had the room across from me my freshman year in college (1977 Oregon State University)... I said "what are you doing here?"...he said "what are you doing here?" The managing director of GPA who I was explaining the mechanical to said "wait, I want to hear this..." So we went thru the whole thing about being dorm mates at college. The guy was working as an investment analyst at the underwriter. He had just gotten on the airplane at MSP. The GPA director couldn't believe it. So I fess up that we're done, I call JetAviation and they find a Westwind at MSP to take over and go to MDW (Chicago Midway). I start talking to mechanics at Signature MSP, and one of them says "you know, we've got a customers JetStar in the hangar, if you want, we can take the squat switch off of that airplane and put it on yours." It was the early days of parts traceability, and Suspected Unapproved Parts. We really weren't supposed to do that but in a pinch.... So I said "go for it...." they did and it was done in a couple of hours... So I tell JetAviation we're fixed, but we're off the trip, we fuel up and take off from MSP headed back to TEB. We were at about FL 250 over Lake Michigan and ATC says, "Your operations called, they want you to divert to MDW." So we come down like a rock with a bunch of vectors, and land at MDW. GPA wanted the airplane back and we ended flying to entire roadshow for them.